Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
These 3D printers are insane!
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My love language is hissing.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple