And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
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Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next