Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Why font matters.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them