I think I’ll stand
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game