me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
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[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
TODAY
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.