That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
You Might Also Like
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Pikachu found the lost joint
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit