“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?