Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

Need this in my life lol

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.