A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Friday
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
We have a winner.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.