there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
You Might Also Like
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
life finds a way
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.