If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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Bring back the McRib
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
spot the difference
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
You can’t rush stupid.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.