Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.