“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole