If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
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I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
He-man has a Masters degree
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.