I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
i now pronounce you bounced.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Google Pay be like:
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?