I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.