I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Kids: Stay in school.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.