I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
😂😂
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now