I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.