If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
A little too much information.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you