Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
lol
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
🤣🤣🤣
Well, shit
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get