People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
You’ll be OK
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The Others (2001)
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches