Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.