I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Customer is always right
![]()
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
![]()
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope