I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
The news
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
seems fine
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk