I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family