I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Bless you
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that