the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You Might Also Like
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I occasionally drink every single night.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
every single time
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK