the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Whoa 😂
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo