ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine