I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Banking tips
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is