@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

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@thejamietighe

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

@MelvinofYork

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

@jamespianka

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

@Laser_Cat

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@Modi_defence

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

@weinerdog4life

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

@JasonNotEvil

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best