I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

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♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.


The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.


My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain


“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”


The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”


Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.


Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse


I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best