@thejamietighe ♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
@TitaniumToplass I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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@thejamietighe 
@Super_Cynthia The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
@MelvinofYork My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
@jamespianka “And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
@Laser_Cat The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
@Modi_defence Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
@AngelaEhh Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
@weinerdog4life Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
@JennyJohnsonHi5 You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
@JasonNotEvil I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best