I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
o shit
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”