I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
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My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it