When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.