If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.