If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
The news in a nutshell.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”