@RadishHarmers I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
@bridger_w I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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@RadishHarmers 
@deardilettante Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
@mrjohndarby lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
@ClickBaite [SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
@un_d_ciphered Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
@Fred_Delicious Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
@Browtweaten hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
@TheToddWilliams Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
@RocketRankoon My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
@Reverend_Scott [picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.