I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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The Book. The Movie.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Pigeon open mic night.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.