Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad