Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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Breaking news:
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can