well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Is this a threat?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Close call…
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty