imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
sry
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Florida man
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.