The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
You Might Also Like
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.