DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital