Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I need better friends
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.