Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?