(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I want this so bad
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Sounds like a bargain
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?