Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
back to work
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again