Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?