@david8hughes So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
@rocknthepurple 2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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@david8hughes 
@Jordan_Morris Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
@nopoweradeinusa parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
@GrowlyGrego Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
@nairamk Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
@Darlainky *hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
@truegritrumble ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
@TheRolo How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
@ElKnuckelhombre I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
@AdamDavis “Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark