2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.