Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Good Morning.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know