*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
You Might Also Like
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior