Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?