giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.