Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.