I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
You Might Also Like
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.