Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Mission: Impossible

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm