Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
You Might Also Like
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Livid.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???