People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying