he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Pat is about to own someone
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Are you ok, human???
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…