Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Self-cleaning conscience
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid