Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
What about second breakfast?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.