Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me